shan witter (he/they) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cantripchords) wrote2023-05-29 09:58 am
cantripchords) wrote2023-05-29 09:58 am
Entry tags:
Nine Years Ago.
"Dude, you gotta get out of there." It wasn't the first time Becca had told him that. But this time, his cousin's voice sounded more emotional than usual. Almost desperate. Before he could reassure her (again) that he was trying, she continued. "You're questioning like I was, and look what they did to me."
"You blatantly broke all the rules, Bex," Shan reminded her gently. "I mean, not that I blame you. That's ...probably the easiest way out."
His parents wanted him to work for the church, marry a nice girl, and start having children. He had other plans. Those plans involved making music, mostly. He'd always been talented, and he couldn't help but feel his talents were wasted playing piano on Sunday mornings.
"So what, then? You just pack a bag and leave? They don't know where I live - you could come here."
Now, that was a new tool in her 'get Shan away from the church-crazed family' scheme. It gave him pause. Ever since Becca had been excommunicated and essentially disowned by their entire family, he knew she'd been struggling to get back on her feet. She seemed to be stable now, though he hadn't expected her to offer him a place to crash.
"I'll think about it," he said, non-committal. Though he was considering it more seriously this time. Maybe this was the break he needed. Even if change was scary, the thought of finding himself stuck here in this life that wasn't meant for him seemed downright terrifying.
Not that he was opposed to eventually settling down and getting married, maybe even becoming a father. Having all of that more or less dictated by his church, however... that was the last thing he wanted.
"Shan." Becca's voice broke through his drifting thoughts, and he shifted as he was brought back to full attention.
"Yeah, sorry. I was thinking about it."
There was something between a sigh and a laugh on the other end of the phone.
"Can you really keep hiding who you are? You saw what it did to me. You deserve better."
Did he? Sometimes he wasn't sure. His cousin seemed convinced, though. Of everyone, he'd always been closest with her. They were kindred spirits, of sorts. Both the black sheep of the family, both questioning their faith, both queer. Becca was out of the closet now, and it had gotten her ostracized from their entire family and community - by her design. Shan was still closeted, knowing that living his truth would ensure he met the same fate.
And while Shan desperately wanted to be himself, he was afraid to cut those ties. It was all he'd ever known, even if he'd never felt like he belonged.
"If you keep telling me that, I just might start to believe it," he sighs.
"Good. Look, I gotta get going, my break is almost over. My offer stands, though. Lemme know when you're ready to hit the ejector button and get the fuck out of there."
He sucks in a breath, exhales slowly. As many times as they'd had some variation of this conversation over the last year or so, it finally feels serious this time. She really means it.
"I'll be in touch."
"You blatantly broke all the rules, Bex," Shan reminded her gently. "I mean, not that I blame you. That's ...probably the easiest way out."
His parents wanted him to work for the church, marry a nice girl, and start having children. He had other plans. Those plans involved making music, mostly. He'd always been talented, and he couldn't help but feel his talents were wasted playing piano on Sunday mornings.
"So what, then? You just pack a bag and leave? They don't know where I live - you could come here."
Now, that was a new tool in her 'get Shan away from the church-crazed family' scheme. It gave him pause. Ever since Becca had been excommunicated and essentially disowned by their entire family, he knew she'd been struggling to get back on her feet. She seemed to be stable now, though he hadn't expected her to offer him a place to crash.
"I'll think about it," he said, non-committal. Though he was considering it more seriously this time. Maybe this was the break he needed. Even if change was scary, the thought of finding himself stuck here in this life that wasn't meant for him seemed downright terrifying.
Not that he was opposed to eventually settling down and getting married, maybe even becoming a father. Having all of that more or less dictated by his church, however... that was the last thing he wanted.
"Shan." Becca's voice broke through his drifting thoughts, and he shifted as he was brought back to full attention.
"Yeah, sorry. I was thinking about it."
There was something between a sigh and a laugh on the other end of the phone.
"Can you really keep hiding who you are? You saw what it did to me. You deserve better."
Did he? Sometimes he wasn't sure. His cousin seemed convinced, though. Of everyone, he'd always been closest with her. They were kindred spirits, of sorts. Both the black sheep of the family, both questioning their faith, both queer. Becca was out of the closet now, and it had gotten her ostracized from their entire family and community - by her design. Shan was still closeted, knowing that living his truth would ensure he met the same fate.
And while Shan desperately wanted to be himself, he was afraid to cut those ties. It was all he'd ever known, even if he'd never felt like he belonged.
"If you keep telling me that, I just might start to believe it," he sighs.
"Good. Look, I gotta get going, my break is almost over. My offer stands, though. Lemme know when you're ready to hit the ejector button and get the fuck out of there."
He sucks in a breath, exhales slowly. As many times as they'd had some variation of this conversation over the last year or so, it finally feels serious this time. She really means it.
"I'll be in touch."